DIED 2008

I bought my grandmother a Seeing Eye dog.

 But he's a little sadistic. He does impressions of cars screeching to a halt.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German

 shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp?

 You say, "Attack!" And he has one.

 All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

My advice to any diplomat who wants to

 have good press is to have two or three kids and a dog.

I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls ...